The 'Possum Blog

Pick one!

noreply@blogger.com (Monkey) — Tue, 02 May 2006 04:34:00 +0000

In the 'Possum world, I have come to learn some truths as I grow older and dodge highways:

Every man will eventually come to realize he has in his life has loved:

* One lady who gives him the ultimate good sex
* One lady who makes him feel like a man
* One lady who is intelligent
* One lady who makes really great money - more than he could.
* One lady who is his best friend in the world.

And one lady who loves him so very deeply, more deeply than any other lady.

All in themselves are great - but a man later in life starts to wonder if he could have ONE lady with ALL of those qualities - and so he searches, and he finds:

* One lady who gives him the ultimate good sex
* One lady who makes him feel like a man
* One lady who is intelligent
* One lady who makes really great money - more than he could.
* One lady who is his best friend in the world.
And one lady who loves him so very deeply, more deeply than any other lady.

So he realizes there is probably NO lady who is all of the above. And he decides he must settle on one of the above. So he'll pick ONE of the above ladies (Probably the utlimate-sex-lady) - and dream about one of the other lady's above (probably the one-lady-who-loves-him-so-deeply-lady) But if he'd picked the one-lady-who-loves-him-so-deeply-lady he'd cheat on her with a ultimate-sex lady eventually because she sucks in bed and she's too much like his mother in a creepy nerve-wracking way. But if he'd picked the makes-really-great-money-lady he'd hire hookers to be his ultimate-good-sex-lady and fall in love with a intelligent-lady at work and he'd fuck the makes-him-feel-like-a-man-lady (At the company Christmas Party in her Holiday Inn room she got because she didn't want to drive after drinking)

So which one to pick? Don't pick one, enjoy all of 'em cowboy!

Possum out. Peace to the Possums. Death to the cars and trucks!

The Powers of Women - By 'Possum

noreply@blogger.com (Monkey) — Sun, 11 Dec 2005 05:10:00 +0000

Again I AM a 'possum, I'm NOT one of you "humans" - or as we 'possums (And lots of other animals, too) refer to you - "skin creatures" That's a little "animal secret" I'll key you in on since I'm blogging. (You humans are always saying "I wonder what they're thinking...I wonder what they're thinking...")

In the 'possum world, women are viewed as superior. In the ANIMAL world, the women, or female of the species is superior. Without exception. No questions asked.

It's also true with you humans.

Here's what's going on. Here's a BIG secret that we 'possums (and all other animals know) that you humans don't. I hope you're sitting down.

Women ARE superior, because my fine friends, they ARE in total CONTROL of the Earth at all times.

At all times.

"But it SEEMS like if you get right down to it, we MEN seem to be sort of...you know..running the show..you can't deny THAT can you Mr. Possum?" I hear you say.

No matter what men know of technology, no matter what we know of building and fixing things and "running companies" no matter the wars men rage against each other, those so-called "talents" are minuscule compared to the ability and talent and POWER that ALL women possess.

They possess something a man can't ever posses or tame - women have an "insight" if you will into things around them that we can't even comprehend. It's like a super-power.

How the female will always have an edge over any male: (Are you sitting down?)

They "READ" us better than we know ourselves.

It's that simple really. Women read us men. They "read" us like you wouldn't believe.

What I mean by "reading" is that women know certain aspects of the human psyche that they can see but men aren't capable of seeing. Women "feel" what's going on with a guy.

How Mr. 'Possum?

Women have this natural gift because in the grand scheme of things they are "programmed" to find not just a "great fuck" (How many men choose their partners) - but women are programmed to seek out a mate (and father of their children) who is WORTHY who is TRUSTWORTHY and who is INTELLIGENT and KIND and SWEET.

Men, on the other hand, choose other qualities just as important to them, but different. Men more often than not choose a woman who is pretty, who is VISUALLY appealing, who is kind, but more importantly, one who makes them FEEL GOOD. HUGE fucking egos men have - so huge most all of them don't even THINK they have an "ego".

There's a reason for this, don't worry - there's a plan - there's nothing wrong with it. Yin & Yang. Let it be.

What it means is that in order for women to be able to JUDGE who is a good partner - THEY HAVE TO KNOW MORE THAN THOSE THEY JUDGE. Stop and read that again my fine human friend.

I'll explain. For example, for an AKC dog judge to choose the Best in Show dog, that judge has to be intimately familiar with EVERY breed of dog, what is DESIRABLE in every single breed in front of him, and what is a "flaw" in every single breed. That's similar to what women do when "picking" their own "Best in Show" male partner, but they're judging CHARACTER, sure physical is important - but nowhere near as important as for a male choosing a female. Most of what a woman is choosing and "judging" is 90% INSIDE a man - in his head and in his heart. That's not something you can simply see, so therefore women have developed through evolution certain tools to help them. These "tools" are the powers men shall not have. Do not have. And cannot understand.

But these powers women possess do NOTHING against other women. Useless. Women, when they're together with each other, have these powers and even try to "use" these powers of insight and intuition "against" each other - but it won't work. This is because in nature that power is so great that if a woman COULD use these powers against each other - their competitive nature is also SO intense that they'd literally wipe each other off the face of the Earth. (This is also part of the reason women often have rocky or rotten relationships with their own mothers but not their fathers - but that's a story for another time.)

The powers of insight and intuition are so strong in a woman that she can even use it to change the behavior of a man - an "undesirable" behavior can be "modified", a way he thinks about a particular thing, if she doesn't approve - can even be "changed". This is because she is usually one step ahead of her man and can take measures to stop something before it happens.

And not only does she have the powers we've been speaking of to help "control" the man's world, but she, well, this may sound crude - but it's true- she has the pussy. There's a t-shirt that I saw on a human once - "I own the pussy so I make the rules". Men have a very very difficult time when sex is used as a weapon - men lose. Therefore if a woman can't change a behavior through her mental talents - she has a backup weapon available which is very powerful.

Am I dare saying women are maniputive and evil and conniving? Not at ALL. Sure there are women who abuse their womanly powers, but it's far from the majority. (Mens' powers are totally different and also a whole 'nother story) When men abuse THEIR powers, destruction and death occur on a more physical level, but when women abuse their "powers" there is hurt and pain and anguish. Guaranteed.

Therefore women are running things - all over the world.

I know this is deep, and I apologize if I'm not explaining it correctly. It's probably the first time an animal has tried to explain any "secrets of nature" to any humans.

By the way - here's another "animal secret" I'll share with you. We animals know things about cycles and how the world - NATURE - acts - we understand it like you never, ever will. Get this: The cell phones, the pocket computers, Blackberries..the pagers...the "carry" technology everyone carries? Over - it will backfire. What will happen is that in a mere few years it will be considered "uncool" to carry these gadgets. People will simply STOP carrying them. Watch and see. Animals like me don't have any magical abilities to "see into the future" - what we do have is the ability to be ultra-sensitive to "patterns" and "cycles" in nature and in other animals.

A thing or two about women - 'Possum style!

noreply@blogger.com (Monkey) — Mon, 09 May 2005 05:37:00 +0000

I may be a possum - and sure you may splatter me with your SUV's on highways and maybe even laugh about it later - but we possums have feelings, we have lives, we have love, we have families, (as do Monkeys!) - and to prove it to you I won't to maybe teach human guys what possum guys have known for ages:

What a woman wants, possum style:

First off, a woman wants to be a "lady" and not a "woman" - a "woman" is someone you don't know who's a female. A LADY is someone you love and cherish. (And a lady doesn't always care to be called a "girl" either - just as many men wouldn't respond well to "boy")

A woman wants us to be strong and able, as well as silly, sweet, romantic, caring, polite, and intelligent - not too much of one, not too little of another. However I think you can throw in a little more of one ingredient and less of the others, up to a point - as long as it's 100% when it's finished.

Strong and able: Women want you to be strong. Don't use that cutsey-whiny baby-talk with her when you're speaking to her in the kitchen - that's from when you were a child with your MOTHER and she's NOT your mother. Be able - don't let your body go to shit, downing that beer until your stomach is so huge and you're fat and disgusting - respect your body and give her a body to be proud of. I work my ass off only about 3 times a week in the gym and I've come to have a body my wife is actually PROUD of and it's all worth it when she tells her friend "Sometimes he'll get undressed and he's 40 and I am just a-fuckin-mazed" (And she thinks I didn't hear her.)

Being "sweet" is way underestimated. Being "sweet" guys, combined with romance - is THE WAY. What is sweetness? It's asking her if you can help her with dinner when she's obviously worked her ass off all day - just like you did. Being sweet is asking her how she's doing, if she's happy, showing a true, genuine interest in her and her feelings. Being sweet is kissing her in public or in front of your friends. It's being proud of her. And not just saying it. Remember important dates and places in your lives together - remember her mother's birthday, remember where you had your first date. Insignificant to us male possums, but NOT to female possums - if it's a big deal to her it SHOULD be a big deal to you - if not - change your priorities.

Being sweet to her can mean simply LISTENING to her - yep it can be THAT easy. You don't even need to fully UNDERSTAND what you're listening to - that's not so important as the fact that you're listening in the first place. We men possums, hell, men in general, are hard-wired to "FIX THINGS" and "HAVE ANSWERS" - with a lady you have to put that hardwiring aside and understand she communicates on a different level, she may need something as simple as a thing called "reassurance". Provide lots of it and provide a huge ear for her to talk to.

Be ROMANTIC. Sure you could run to Wal*Mart and pick up some BS you THINK she'd like - but put a little effort into it - follow her around a little in stores, find out what she likes - you'd be amazed at how easy it is to actually get your wife a WONDERFUL present just because you took NOTE of what shoes she just ADORED in the store when you were with her that day. Sneak back around and BUY IT - put it away, and you'll have a nice gift. Also us Possums (and Monkeys too I hear) actually will keep a tiny list in our wallets - with her shoe size, her dress size, her ring size, favorite color, etc - all written down. That way - when she says "Oh I just LOVE these shoes!" - you can come back in that store like a Ninja later and get a pair - without having to ASK her "Say...what size do you wear!? A dead give away)

NOTE: Her shoe size might not change too much - but her DRESS SIZE DOES AND WILL!!! If asked "What size to you THINK I am?" - say "5 or a 6?" - that always works for the monk...errr...possum!

Be silly guys - we possum men know ladies love to laugh - and if you can make her laugh you have a special thing. Don't be afraid to be silly. Make jokes, don't take yourself OR HER so seriously - lighten up.

When we male possums are young we're all about who can fight the best, who can lift the most, who has bigger muscles, who can run faster. When we start to get in our late 30's and 40's is when we get to really shine with our ladies because it's a time when we KNOW we're men, we're comfortable with the men we have become, we've got nothing to PROVE to ourselves or to other guys anymore, we're not insecure - we know what we can do with our dicks and how to use them effectively - we can take on a whole new dimension when we get to be this age. I've learned when I hit about 40 that I can appreciate BEAUTY more than I ever have before - and I'm still a man! We can do things we wouldn't dream of doing in our earlier years because it might not be "cool" or "macho" - and guess what there's a whole ton of things women do that we suddenly find we can enjoy WITH them! Art - here I am 40 years old and I'm just NOW starting to learn I can REALLY appreciate ART! For an example, WINE, not the stuff with the screw cap, but REAL WINE - I find I am learning to have an appreciation for it. A fine cigar, a fine MEAL cooked at a really upscale restaurant! A lot of women, it seems to me anyway, have always appreciated the finer things in life and so many men, myself included, have always just been oblivious to it in the past and we have to (as always) "catch up" to women in the maturity levels.

Talk to her. TELL HER what makes you happy, tell her what bothers you, tell her you love her, tell her she's beautiful. Tell her you can't live without her because you know it's true not just because you feel you should say it. Is she beautiful to you? TELL HER she is - because you know she's beautiful don't you? TELL HER. We Male possums (And I hear monkeys too) - KNOW that you have to keep talking - that we male possums tend to think "I've said that before - I will not say it again" - how long can a relationship last if you only say things ONCE? Don't end up sorry one day saying to yourself "But I thought she KNEW how I felt about this or that" Tell her often - especially when it comes to your feelings about her.

And when you make love to her - do it man - really DO IT - enjoy every curve of her body, enjoy every angle, touch everything, feel everything, kiss everything, smell her skin, touch her toes, hold her bare feet in your hands, lick her toes, explore - you're sure to find a magical area you've never even noticed before! Put aside your porn fantasies when it comes to her - that's not REAL life dude - it's fun to whack off to but if you start believing it's REAL and expecting your wife to become like a girl you saw in a porn you're in for a sad future. It's ALL her and it's ALL beautiful - sure we dive for the pussy and the tits - but if you take the time to enjoy it all together with the rest of her body you'll be into a whole new world! (And the paybacks will come back to you twofold - trust me)

And most of all when we possums deal with our women possums we respect them and appreciate them. They are works of beauty, sure, they're extremely complex, sure sometimes they can play you (and each other) like cheap fiddles and they seem almost evil, sure they can get moody, just like you can asshole, but all these things rolled into one package is what they are - and put it all together and it's a wondrously beautiful package called a lady. And the sooner you come to learn that's the TRUE beauty of a lady, the better. Respect them for being the sexy, wonderful, beautiful creatures they are and come to appreciate it more. You could smoke a 7-11 Swisher Sweet cigar and you accept it for what it is - you don't enjoy it because you think it's cheap. Slap yourself in the face and start to appreciate beauty more - invest in a more upscale cigar once, take the time to sit down with it in a quiet room, just you and that cigar, smell it, feel it, and then really, REALLY taste it. Do the same with your wife and girlfriend - don't take her for granted, EVER - always know that she is THE BEST because why would you be with anything but the best? And then take her in - all of her - her eyes, her eyebrows - look at how she plucks them - to look pretty - for YOU - and for her - look at the details - look at her shoes - she loves those shoes or she wouldn't wear them. Look at her neck, look at how soft and pretty. Look at the colors she choses to dress in - do you even know WHY she dresses in certain colors - how it makes her feel? Look at her hands. Check out the nail color she uses - enjoy it - you sure enjoy her hand when it's sliding up and down your dick, but have you ever stopped to enjoy her hands other than that? You should do it. Those hands have cooked you meals, they've held you when you needed it, maybe they've raised your children, changed their diapers - and look how pretty they are! Take her in visually. Then when she speaks, don't just "hear" her - no, instead - LISTEN to what she's saying - you'll learn a fuckin' lot if you stop to actually LISTEN to your lady - they'll TELL YOU A LOT if you truly LISTEN and not just hear. Listen to what she talks about - what is she scared of? What are her dreams? What is her idea of a fun evening? There is a lot to learn if you take the time to discover.

And it only gets better. A woman IS a like a fine wine, every DAY that passes it takes on a different flavor. You change, she changes, you don't ever get stuck with "the same woman" your whole life - you instead are connected at the soul through love to this woman, and everything else about her changes over the years and you get to enjoy every change she goes through. Be GLAD she changes so much and you do too! Love her ALWAYS - love her when she is having a tough time getting her diet under control and she's put on a few pounds - support her - she's yours - love her when she's angry at her mother for some reason you can't even begin to comprehend - her heart is your heart. Love her when she's feeling bloated and PMS is kicking her ass and she snaps at you because you keep leaving your bath towel on the back of the toilet. Love her when she's a little ol' frail thing with a head full of gray hair. Love her for giving you the best years of your life, love her for giving you your child or children.

You see, we male possums know a thing or two. Think about that the next time you feel that THUNK sound under your car tires and you see another dead possum in your rear-view mirror. Don't assume hearts aren't broken.

Possum stuff...

noreply@blogger.com (Monkey) — Wed, 09 Feb 2005 03:37:00 +0000

Let's talk some about 'possums - shall we? I mean you people know me - I'm the magical "Blogging 'Possum" - but what do you REALLY know about 'possums?
Let me guess - you humans know JACK SHIT about us - about the only thing you DO know is we're fun to run over on I-95 - RIGHT?? Admit it will you and I'll have just a LITTLE bit more respect for you humans (but NOT MUCH) You like running over us poor bastards 'cause we're not as messy or as big as dogs, and when your tires go over us it makes a soft, almost pleasing "thud" sound. RIGHT!? You sick bastards!
What do we eat? Any clue?
We eat about ANYTHING - we eat bugs, mice, rats, slugs, worms, cat and dog food, YOUR food, berries - anything! (That's called "omnivorous" dumb hick human)
So there - you learned something today - now learn THIS!:
Last night on I-95:

Susan Logglestone - DEAD - run over by what looks like a 80's model VW of some sort. Susan lived over by my Aunt and I'd see Susan out in her yard tending the chores. She always made sure to bend over at JUST the right time when I was walking by - which always led me to believe Susan Logglestone may have wanted me in some way? Anyway she's DEAD now so never mind.

Rip AND Carl Thundersnap - yep - BOTH of them dead. Off exit 397 on I-95 their bodies were discovered this morning. I never cared for either of these guys personally - so good riddance. They were both bullies.

2 Unidentified - one male and one female - both run over by what looks to be the same car - were they lovers? Holding hands perhaps while they dashed across I-95? We may never know - but the girl has one hell of an ass on her and I swear I can almost make out a faint smile on the face of the guy 'possum! I'm serious!

noreply@blogger.com (Monkey) — Wed, 09 Feb 2005 03:37:00 +0000

Happy Jebbah Flossum Day!

noreply@blogger.com (Monkey) — Mon, 07 Feb 2005 00:13:00 +0000

Happy Jebbah Flossum Day to all!!!

The humans have concocted (on purpose!) their own little "celebration" of this day - they watch some sort of football game on this day today. Which means they'll be driving a lot - going to the store for food and beer - which means on OUR holiday for 'possums MORE of us will die. This sucks - but what can we do.

We can still celebrate the day in which Jebbah Flossum had a wagon full of white-trash settlers killed back in the day.

I've been drinking hard all day and celebrating - I've been eating some of that special 'possum weed we grow - I'm basically one fucked up 'Possum right now. (No - I will NOT be going near I-95 today! I'd HATE to die on Jebbah Flossum Day - maybe tomorrow - but for sure no I-95 for this stoned/drunk 'Possum!!!!)

Oh and I've been singing - singing all day - the Jebbah Flossum Day song I taught you! Sing along!:

"Ohhhhhhhhhh Jebbah Flossum, one hell of a possum"
They ran over his head, but now they're all dead!
You wanna fuck with a possum, fuck with Jebbah Flossum
You wanna fuck with a possum, fuck with Jebbah Flossum
(repeat x3)
"Ohhhhhhhhhh Jebbah Flossum, one hell of a possum"
They ran over his head, but now they're all dead!
(Everyone claps 3 times here)

Somber as we near Jebbah Flossum Day...

noreply@blogger.com (Monkey) — Wed, 02 Feb 2005 02:17:00 +0000

Here it is ALMOST Jebbah Flossum Day - February 6th. (If you don't know what the biggest 'Possum holiday in North America is - read the previous post)

As Jebbah Flossum Day approaches - a time where we celebrate the anniversary of a 'Possum actually killing some humans - it is also time for reflection.

Since my announcement in this blog about Jebbah Flossum Day alone, here are the grim statistics:

Ann Forbson - Ann's body was found near I-95 near the 7-11 dumpster exit. Seems to have been a Ford that got her. I'd seen Ann here and there on I-95 - and she was always cordial and kind.

Jacob Robertson - Jacob was an old school chum of mine and he once let me screw his girlfriend one night when he was drunk. Jacob was loved by all but his body was found in a very poor state on I-95 - my guess on this one - a later model Saab.

Richard Culose - I never met the guy but he had TWO wives and 18 children total. This may have been a suicide. He was hit by what looks like a 2000 VW New Beetle - possibly the Turbo edition.

2 Unidentified 'Possums - how can this happen you ask? Because we 'Possums travel far and wide at night - these two bodies are unidentified because they were probably traveling 'Possums from another county or maybe even another state.

That's FIVE of us dead - no...scuse me - MURDERED - since my last post alone.

So we take Jebbah Flossum Day seriously around here. It is customary for the younger 'Possums these days to make the "SF" hand signs (or "gang signs" they call 'em) to celebrate Jebbah Flossum Day.

Many these days have also started putting up small signs that read "WWJFD?" (What Would Jebbah Flossum Do?)

More later....

Jebbah Flossum Day!!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Monkey) — Thu, 27 Jan 2005 22:16:00 +0000

It's almost Jebbah Flossum Day!!!!!

Hurray!

I hear ya - "Who the hell is Jebbah Flossum?" you ask.

Jebbah Flossum Day is celebrated on February 6th of every year - it's a 'Possum holiday so most humans know nothing about it.

Jebbah Flossum was a 'Possum that lived in 1807 in or near Fairbanks, Kansas., and, like most possums, even back in 1807 - was run over - by a wagon carrying a pioneer family to California.

The only catch - THIS TIME the WAGON wrecked - sending the entire pioneer family to their DEATHS! All of them too - there was a Mother, a Father, a dog, and 2 little girls! The wagon was passing through a very treacherous and high pass at the time - when the wheel hit Jebbah the wagon tipped and all onboard it were tossed a hundred feet down into a rocky creekbed and were instantly killed.

Yep - a 'Possum actually killed humans!

We celebrate this on February 6th because that's supposedly when this historic event took place.

We sing the Jebbah Flossum song:

"Ohhhhhhhhhh Jebbah Flossum, one hell of a possum"
They ran over his head, but now they're all dead!
You wanna fuck with a possum, fuck with Jebbah Flossum
You wanna fuck with a possum, fuck with Jebbah Flossum
(repeat x3)
"Ohhhhhhhhhh Jebbah Flossum, one hell of a possum"
They ran over his head, but now they're all dead!
(Everyone claps 3 times here)

We eat special Jebbah Flossum cake and the little 'possums act out the event in a play.

Death...

noreply@blogger.com (Monkey) — Mon, 24 Jan 2005 03:34:00 +0000

Last night:

Linda Cartman - I-95 Southbound lanes - 1984 Dodge Lancer. Linda and I actually dated a few months back. Her favorite spot was the Hardee's parking lot on 19th avenue and I'd take her there.

Tammy Hodgson - I-95 Southbound lanes - Dodge Ram pickup.

3 unidentified 'possum babies - names unknown - appear to have been flattened by a Lincoln Towncar. No mothers have come forward.

Are Linda, Tammy and these three babies better off DEAD and mutilated than they are living? Can death ever be better than life!?

If you ask me - hell yeah! Life is dodging cars and trucks, scampering around scared out of your wits every night, scrounging through dumpsters and garbage cans every night. But death is......no more. No more suffering, no more fear, no more tears and no more pain.

Even though I don't believe in the Great Possum and his "good book" - I still look forward to death, like a human might look forward to the end of a day and going to sleep.

But I know my death will be horribly violent also - I don't kid myself - I only hope it's as painless as possible - and quick - please don't let me lay writhing in pain in a ditch somewhere by I-95 - please let it be very fast and painless.

But my biggest hope about my death is that the car/truck that takes me out loses control, runs off the highway, rolls over a few times, bursts into flames and the human within is literally burned alive. And I'll lay there in my ditch and listen to the crackling of the car fire and hope the human within the burning wreckage dies slowly and that I die before he/she does.

The Great 'Possum

noreply@blogger.com (Monkey) — Fri, 21 Jan 2005 05:15:00 +0000

I was standing one day with my possum friend Roger Alberts. We were eating at the KFC dumpster over off of 19th street.
"Did you hear that Pauline got it last night?" I asked him as I gnawed on a bone.
"Yep - a 2002 Ford Explorer on I-95 - I didn't see it but heard it was VERY bad." says Albert.
"Dude" I say "It was one of the worst I've ever seen - her back legs were about 30 feet from her head, which was about 40 feet from her tail - parts of her never did show up it was so bad."
"I guess the Great Possum called her to be with him" said Albert.
"Wait a minute! You BELIEVE THAT!? You believe in the Great Possum!?" I asked.
Albert looked shocked. "Of course I do - YOU don't!?"
"Fuck that fairy tale stuff" I said, chewing on a KFC Coleslaw container, "you want me to believe there's some mysterious Great Possum in the sky that 'called' Pauline and other possums to be with him?"
"Exactly" said Albert.
"And THAT'S how he 'calls' his people? By having their head and limbs painfully ripped from their young bodies - by leaving homeless possums back home to die? What kind of Great Possum is THAT!? Sounds like an asshole to me!" I answered, now annoyed and no longer enjoying the coleslaw.
"WHOA!!" said Albert "That's not cool, fool. Don't talk like that about the Great Possum. The Great Possum works in ways we can't understand - Pauline now sits with the Great Possum and is whole again"
"Well" I said "The Great Possum can kiss my great white possum ass"
Albert pretended he didn't hear me as he pawed through some old fries. "These are possum-bly the best stale KDC fries I'ver ever had" he said, skipping the uncomfortable subject. (Yes we possums say "possumbly" instead of possibly)
But I continued anyway; "Every DAY Albert you and I both see mass destruction of our kind, we see other possums mutilated on I-95, and they speak of the Great Possum being compassionate and loving - that's not love - that's sick and evil - don't ever speak to me about any 'Great Possum" again. The Great Possum is a fantasy fairy tale, invented and passed on to give us Possums hope when there is no hope. Our lives are so miserable that some freak long ago started this Great Possum balony just to try and help us get through each night. I don't buy it."
Albert stopped munching on an Original Recipe KFC thigh bone long enough to speak "Where do you want to go when you die though? Don't you WANT to believe in an afterlife for Possumkind? Don't you want to believe we go to a better world, a world where there are no highways and roads?"
"No" I said, "I don't. When I die I want it to be the end - no more"

(Albert was found dead on I-95 two days after this dumpster talk. He had been ran over by a 1999 Dodge Caravan. Albert left behind a wife and 12 children)

I'm still ticking.

Another ruthless night...

noreply@blogger.com (Monkey) — Thu, 20 Jan 2005 03:49:00 +0000

So I'm crossing I-95 last night - I hear this faint music coming - it sounds like Hank Williams Jr. - and it gets louder and louder and my poor little legs are moving faster and faster as it gets louder.
Sure enough, a redneck fucker in a 2003 Red F-150 blasting Hank Jr. damn-near kills me. I could feel the front left tire on my fur that's how close he was.
I'm tired of this stinking fucking possum life. It sucks. Is it my fault I travel and LIVE at night? No - it's not.
Sometimes when crossing I-95, it's crossed my mind to just STOP
And SIT...
And WAIT...
And DIE under the wheels of a vehicle.
Why not? What the fuck do I have to live for? Almost every family member I've ever had has been brutally slain on a road - every morning there's new death - I've lost cousins, uncles, I've lost brothers, sisters - every time I meet a nice piece of possum-tail she gets killed - I'm lucky to get my little possum tool out of 'em before they're killed.
Why haven't *I* been killed!? Why did the redneck F-150 not kill me last night? There's more possums dead I think than living - what's different about ME!?
My cousin's neighbor says it's because I'm "special" - that I can write - that I can blog - and that I'm supposed to live - to tell the story - I'm the "spokespossum" for all possums is what he says.
Okay here - since I'm a spokespossum - let's report on last night's fun - this is ALL on I-95 - I'm not even looking at other highways (I call them "dieways"):

RIP:
Louis Carson
Jack AND HIS SISTER Thelma Peterson
Paul Kristensen
Linda and Leslie Tuborg

What's this life shit anyway? Did I ASK to be born? Is life a "gift" of some sort - fuck no - it's a joke. It's one disappointment after another - topped off with death and destruction. Fuck life - I may just stop in I-95 tonight if I even bother crossing it. Life sucks. You suck.

Bumps in the night

noreply@blogger.com (Monkey) — Mon, 17 Jan 2005 11:59:00 +0000

During the night I heard a noise towards I-95
First the sound of car brakes (Sounded like a newer model Ford of some sort - I'd guess about a 2003)
Then a thud.
I'm sure it was one of us - but MAYBE - just MAYBE it was a skunk.
Will investigate later.
This life sucks.

January 16th, 2005

noreply@blogger.com (Monkey) — Mon, 17 Jan 2005 03:51:00 +0000

It was 7:43AM this morning and I had just (successfully obvisously) crossed the northbound exit 348 on I-95 and had been over dumpster-diving at an old shitty Burger King when I smelled that smell; the smell of warm, fresh death mixed with the smell of rotting Burger King Whoppers.
Over by the bushes I found her - this is my sister's best friend - Jean - I'm not sure of her last name. (I think it might be Jenkins but I'm not sure - seems my sister had said some called her "JJ" so maybe it is Jenkins - if I get her last name I'll update with it later.)
Recognize her?:

I rolled her over and checked her pouch for babies - there were none thankfully.
I'm told Jean frequented this shitty Burger King's dumpster on the weekends - I think she was hit at the northbound exit 348 and from what I can tell some dickhead human tossed her body behind the dumpster.
From the damage to her body and investigation I'm guessing it was a white Volvo Station Wagon that nailed her.
We 'possums are nocturnal - we run around at night - you human dickheads are the opposite - humans are "diurnal":
di·ur·nal Pronunciation Key (d-ûrnl) adj. Occurring or active during the daytime rather than at night
So you're OUR world when you drive around at night you bastards.